No Pain... No Gain... Right?

Tonight I sit posting from my Hospital Bed. Funny enough, this is the most peaceful place I could sit and post from. Nothing serious, just and simple tonsillectomy and a corrected Septum.

I have been anticipating this surgery for quite some time, I however thought about it so much, and listened to so many horror stories,  that I totally scared myself. I was so afraid to go into the theatre that I actually asked the nurse, while wheeling me to theatre no less, what she would do if I just jumped out of the bed right there and said that I changed my mind about all this.

This is so ridiculous. I mean, for Pete's sake, I have done far worse than this single flesh removal.

Step Back exactly a year ago...

I go into labor at 12:30 am, I push out a 4 KG baby in my driveway, and waddle back into my house with him, For three days I lived in mommy bliss until I had to have a NO 2, and my biggest fear was realised.
I tore, and not a little easy to repair tear, there was doody coming out of my mommy parts, DOODY PEOPLE!!!
I completely freaked out! Completely lost my head right there on the toilet.
See, the thing was that throughout all of my births, my biggest and worst fear was tearing. It became a phobia of mine. So with having A1 and J without even grazing, I really thought I was safe with A2.

But then I went into labor after midnight, contractions were getting closer in the shower I took to slow them down, Hubby became a walking zombie and took a decade to pack himself a bag and by the time we were ready to leave, A2 was ready to COME OUT!
Yup, I ripped my pants off in the street in full view of the neighbours and pushed till I almost gave myself and aneurysm, A2 landing in my Hubbies hands.

Ladies, birth and speed.... DONT EVER DO IT UNLESS YOU WANT TO RIP IN TWO!
Exactly what I did.

Here's the thing though, I never felt it. Not for one second did I feel myself tear all the way through. My Adrenalin was so high that the pain did not even exist. Even in the bath about 20 Minutes after labor, even while breast feeding all night, even when visiting the paediatrician the following morning to get A2's weight.

But that faithful Sunday, you know, the day my doody made and unplanned exit, I knew I was headed down a road I had been trying to avoid for 4 years.

It turned out that I had a 3rd degree tear from pushing out my little giant so fast and hard. My doctor was out of the country but was willing to do my repair surgery two weeks later.
I was not thrilled that I had to wait that long as it meant bathing at least three times a day and 'extra' cleaning down there to make sure my parts stayed healthy.

Surgery day finally came and I as so excited to end this nightmare.
Little did I know that the nightmare was just getting worse.
Post surgery was the worst pain I had ever, EVER, felt! Everything down there was in agony. I just wanted to cry and cry some more. Even birth did not hurt this bad.
Then came the having to bath, clean and use the loo! Oh my Goodness!! I had a genuine fear of the loo! I would tear up when the urge to use it surfaced and that fear lived with me for months.
A few weeks later came the time to resume my wifely duties!! Just the thought made me want to skip the country and change my name!

So here I sit, with this big cotton ball in front of my nose and my throat so swollen, all I can manage are small breaths. But alas, it's not anywhere as bad as the Perineal Repair, and I can have Ice cream everyday for two weeks!! Whoop Whoop!!
I really did scare myself for nothing and am glad that I went through this as I won't be on endless courses of Antibiotics trying to fight constant Tonsillitus.

Yes, surgery is never ideal, but today, I am glad I can sit here and type this, and even far more grateful that I and enjoy sitting on the loo as how I was meant to...

Mwah Mwah

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Childhood, I mean Adult Fears

When I read Mama Kat's Writers Workshop Prompts this week, I considered each one carefully and actually chose the easiest one to write. But as I read the posts from other bloggers, I kept coming across posts of childhood fears, and realized that writing about that would have been easier since I still have those same fears today.

When I was about 5 years old, I was deathly afraid of the dark. There would be shadows moving  from the tree outside the window and  the wardrobes that stood tall in my room. I used to hide my head under the sheets and will my fears away for that night, only for them to return the following night (WITH A HUGE AXE!)

I used to climb a lot when I was young too. My ultimate favourite things to climb were trees and the roof of our house. My mom did not mind but my grandad would freak out when he found me on the roof. I loved it so much that I would encourage my "girly" cousins to climb the roof, much to my mothers dismay.

Unfortunately I am no longer that free spirited child and only climb as high as my shaky hands will let me. For some reason over the years I have developed a debilitating fear of heights. Not having control over a free fall really terrifies me. I don't stand at the edge of balconies and I definitely don't peak my head out of high windows. I mean, what if a wind suddenly blows, pushing me out of the window and I fall a million feet to my untimely and certain DEATH!  The same goes for glass floors and huge glass windows on the 3rd floor of a building.

A few months ago we went on vacation to Durban where there are beach front rides. One of the rides is a cable car that takes you up to see the city and the ocean and back down again. Hubby asked me if I wanted to go on it and I said yes without realizing what he was talking about. I was too busy paying attention to a very exited L. I wish now that I had listened. We sat on the ride and when we started moving I just wanted to die!!! ( getting dizzy while writing this ) I could not get a grip of myself. I closed my eyes and prayed for it all to end!!! To make matters worse, L kept moving the seat which made us dangle in the air. I WAS FREAKING OUT and kept yelling at hubby to hold the baby tighter because she was going to fall to her death at any second!!! The fact that I could not control my environment and the weightlessness was too much to handle; and I think I even started to cry at one stage. Hubby and L found all this very amusing, I must add.

When the ride was finally over, I could not describe the sense of relief I felt when my feet touched the ground.

And he wants us to fly to Cape Town in December...Bleh...No way in hell!

Finally there is one fear that just gives me the creeps. In 7th grade we went on a school camp which was one of the best camps I had ever gone to ( I have gone on a lot). We learnt so much and went hiking up a mountain (before I was afraid of heights...lol). There was a reservoir and a river that crossed through the camp site that we could swim in. We opted to swim in the reservoir and had a lot of fun, but what we did not know was that there were leeches in the water. I got out of the water after about a half hour and could not understand why my finger was burning so badly. There was a small hole in it and then I realized that a leech had attached itself to my finger. I was so grossed out and wondered what else could have been in that water that we could not see. Now I will never swim in murky water no matter what! I hate that fact that there could be anything in the bottom that could INGEST me for all I know. I love the beach but don't go to far in because the darker the water becomes, the more likely a SHARK is going to eat me ALIVE. I am so afraid of not knowing what lurks in the water that I refuse to swim in the pool at night. I am even afraid of the Kreapy Krawly pool cleaner for Pete Sake!!!   IT COULD JUST SUCK ME IN YOU KNOW!!

Yes I know, I am a weirdo. There are some fears that really seem irrational, but I just cant shake these, no matter how hard I try. I certainly hope I don't pass them on to my kids, but sadly, it seems it might be already to late for L.

I guess then it is a good thing we don't fly to work, yet, have clean water come out of the tap and have light bulbs - or else I would become a HERMIT!!

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