Tuesday, August 24, 2010

To spoil with guilt

Hubby and I will be married for 3 years next month and in the time that we have been together, we have almost never bought ourselves something expensive. In the last few weeks we found ourselves with a bit of extra cash and have decided to spoil ourselves with two very expensive toys.
He got the Apple Mac Pro 15" i7 Notebook and I got a Canon D450 or Rebel Xti.

These are the most expensive "toys" that we have ever bought ourselves and we were both sooo exited to be able to do the things we love doing.

Hubby wants to do editing on the side for television and has been begging me for months to get him the notebook. I was reluctant to get it for him since it costs so much money, but he never really asks for anything and this was something he has wanted for years ( other than a Bentley of course ). Since we had the money, it just seemed ideal that we should get it now so that he could generate a little more funds that we could use for things like Montessori School education etc.

I, on the other hand, have been reading up a lot on photography in the last few months and have really taken a liking to it. I am not a pro by any means, but it is so much fun to experiment; who knows where it leads me. Everything that there is to learn about photography is quite overwhelming though, so I am taking in stride. I have already improved so much in the past few days and am just soaking up all the new information.

There is one down side to all this. Immediately after we left the shop with my camera, I was engulfed with this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I tried to shake it off but it felt like a big monkey I was sitting on my shoulder. Since this was the first time I bought something expensive for myself I had no idea why I was feeling so guilty until I saw my kids. I then realised that I felt bad that I had spent so much money on myself.

I always hear mothers say that we need to take care of ourselves as well, but I wonder how many of "those" mothers actually spend money spoiling themselves every now and then. Do they feel guilty or not?

Well I felt awful. It felt like I left my baby hungry for days because I wanted to be selfish and by myself a camera. I would never do this, and I think my kids have more than they need, but yet this guilt still lingers. As the days have gone by it has gotten better since I have gotten so much good shots of my kids, but it is there is there in the background.

I guess this is the down side to being a parent and more particularly a mother. There are times when we are forced to choose between our children and a guilty conscience. Either way we don't get anything out of the deal. Then one has to deal with worrying about what other parents would think about the money we spent. Hubby and I are so concerned about this that we have not even told many people about the things we bought. Not even my best friend knows, which is ridiculous, I know. I think it is that if we are in need of money in future, they might say something like " but you had money to buy a camera ".

I just want to enjoy the things we got without judgement, even though I am judging myself as well.
At least L and A, the people who matter the most will not judge us ...LOL

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