Time For mommy To Break...

That morning, I woke up, but felt exhausted. The TV was screaming in the background, and they know, especially because I have screeched it a million times; that I hate being woken up by noise. I actually hate being woken up at all!

Its Saturday Morning, I roll over to get my phone from under my pillow to check the time.

ITS FREAKEN 7AM!

Everyday this week, they have rolled on the floor, screaming, crying because waking up at 7am was too early to get ready for school. So why now, why today?!

I lay there, gather my breath and scream 'TURN THE TV DOWN'.... No response
'Liam! I said, TURN THE TV DOWN'. He replies 'Ok mommy'

The TV gets quieter, I breath a sigh of relief, roll back over and close my eyes again....
A minute later 'MAAA, JESSE HIT ME!'

In that Moment, I know, its over, its not going to happen. I haaaaaaavvvvveeeee toooooo juuuuussssttt get up.....Grrrrrrrrrrr

 I am sure almost every parent can relate to this. We should actually expect it, we were them once...
Yet, every week, I am surprised that this happens, disappointed at the loss of one more opportunity to sleep in.

I think I cope with parenting quite well, even with all the obsticles I am faced with daily. Its challenging to have four kids, a husband who works unhealthy hours, a home, a full time job, a part time job, oh yes, and my Doula training. I really do juggle a lot, not seemlesly, I might add. But there are times when I just want to pack it all up and dissapear for a solid month!

Dont judge me, you have thought it too even though you only have one child and one job. We all have reminisced on what it would be like to be childless and single again, at least just once. I however dont know a single mother, who would admit to this. I mean, that would then make her a BAD mother and/or wife. How dare she even cross that line.

In the coloured community, when you have a baby, you are expected to cope. Woman have done it for generations before you with much less recources, so why do you struggle with something as mundane as parenting.
Its sad that we are pushed into this beleif all of the time. Deppression and and Anxiety are pushed aside, and according to our elders, dont actuatlly exist.
Why are people then surprised to read about the mother who drowned her baby, or who left her family? What was that woman expected to do when she did not even know how to begin her day?

I have been a parent for nine years, all of my adult life. Never lived alone, never been independent, so of course I wonder every now and again. Who would I have been if I had chosen a different path.

I now know, however that when those thoughts start to surface that is time to take a mommy break. Step back, observe, embrace and just talk to myself a little about where I am and where I am going. Marrying young does not give a whole lot of opportunity to figure yourself out, because you are trying to figure this person who is in your space all the time and wont leave you alone, out. But stepping back is so important for the health of yourself and your marriage.

Today, I sit here, taking in all of my life, experiencing its gifts and joys. But at the same time focusing on myself and the needs I have long sacrificed for my family.

I am a mother and a wife, an employee and self employed, but none of that Defines who I am.
I guess, it had too take these many years and life experiences for me to take time just to reflect and find what really defines me. I am still searching, and while I am, will just have to embrace many more Noisy, ridiculous and crazy Saturday Mornings.... Sob sob...

Mwah