Something so futile when we are young, free and have no care in the world for what tomorrow may bring.
I see it in my children's eyes, no concern for saving for tomorrow, as the experience for right now is worth spending every penny they have.
25 years later, and all I consider is tomorrow, next month, next year. What will I have, what will I be doing, will I, will we be happy?
Not only that, but what could have, what should have been.
Its been and total of 9 months since I decided to leave the corporate world in search of my hopes and dreams. Dreams I had left in the dust when motherhood knocked my door down at 19. It was a decision justified in every way, it was time, I needed to create, I needed to be free from the pressures of the "regular world".
Yes, the regular, working world.... the place where my hopes and dreams sort of lost their way... and 9 months after having moved on from it, those same dreams still trying to find their way back to me.
I had it all figured out. Or so I thought...
I was going to be a great photographer and business owner, I had some promising opportunities looming and life was going to totally take off.... but then...
As it turns out, those promising opportunites never happened... things were good for a while as everything seemed impossible, I felt young and fearless.... nothing was going to stop me from going to the top... but then....
We were robbed shortly after I had left my job, cleaned out of all of the equipment we were to use to help build the business. That didn't deter me though as I had money coming in which then replaced all that was lost. I kept going.
A few months in, I realised how much paper work goes into a business, and not very much assistance or advice, unless you are willing to pay for the coaching... and that money went into replacing everything we lost.
So I push on, register this, apply for that, hire people to do this and that.... and stop paying attention to the fact that my 'dream' and the money were slowly fading into the distance.
But I go on, register some more documents and paper work, hire an assistant here and there, and end up shooting "part time" as I did when I was in my corporate job. Not realising it of course.
Now, 9 months later, I have hit a brick wall, mentally, emotionally and physically. I still have a lot of paperwork to go through, I have not been able to learn fast enough how to do my own accounting so hiring someone to do our taxes has cost me. Spending money here and there, little bits disappearing, getting paid late from clients, and all that comes with parenting life has now halted any vision or dream returning to me.
Worst of all....the people knocking on my door for money is more than I could ever have imagined I would be facing at my tender age. Stressful does not begin to describe my reality.
NO MORE DRAMA...
After getting all that off my chest, this has made me think about the time that I spent working in the bank. I pretty much learnt nothing in my ten years there and at the same time I forgot who I once thought I wanted to be. So many years wasted.
And Now, after following my heart, I find myself in a similar situation. Of course I have learnt a ton in these few months. A lot more than my previous years. I however have gotten so caught up in the logistics of it all, that I still have not realised my dream, my life, Me.
I have started to wonder what the defining moment for people who are living their best lives were. Who did they speak to, where did they go and what did they experience that told them definitively that this was what they wanted to do or be for a lifetime.
I DO HAVE GIFTS...
They say that you should listen to your life, your gifts, to find out what you should do with your life, but where do I start?
I can dance (used to infact), I can sing, can take a good portrait, enjoy writing, love meeting people and talking about issues surrounding birth and parenting. But what defines me enough to jump into right now, make up for the gaps in my current finances and make it sustainable?
This post probably seems so negative, and maybe thats just because I feel so negative about what I am surrounded by lately, but its given me food for thought. I lost so many years basically because I felt like I had no other options, and here now when the choices are before me, they are still not standing out enough to make a lasting impression. Unfortunately I can only blame ADD for so long.
If you have taken the time to read through my entire post, I hope that you would make good choices early, don't let life get in the way of your dreams and practice them vigorously even if you don't see the light just yet.
At least I can say this of my dreams, they have taken me to fancy dress up events, singing on massive stages, having articles printed in top magazines and have my images displayed in galleries around the world when I close my eyes.... sure enough, at some point they will come together and into reality as my moment of weakness and uncertainty is here to take me there.