Friday, August 27, 2010

Guest Bogger: Unconditional Love

I am a 28 - or is it a 29 year old first time mom, married to a wonderful man and fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom to my little girl, K. So what does this term actually mean? What do I do all day? How fortunate am I really?

Like all moms I love and would do anything for my little girl, who turns one on today. I chose to be a stay at home mom a long time ago because I believe that no one can look after her the way that I can. No one will love her more and most importantly I will know that she is safe; safe from 'ill' people and short tempers, safe from neglect and everything else that my paranoid mind could imagine.

After 5 years of marriage, we were planning to fall pregnant after 6 months, since I was on birth controls for 5 years. Instead I fell pregnant a month later (YIPPEE!!). I got what I wanted, or did I?
Hubby was supportive and we already made plans on how we were going to do things.

1)I was going to breast feed come hell or high water,
2)Hubby could sleep during the week nights but on Fridays and Saturdays I would get some sleep,
3)I would express and hand hubby the bottle for our little angel and catch up on so well earned rest,
4)She would sleep in her cot from day one and
5)Once I was healed I would be cleaning the house, cooking, waking up and making hubby lunch and breakfast and giving him a kiss before he went to work, just like before.

Then my world changed! It wasn't just turned upside down, it was pure chaos and I am not just talking about those first 6 weeks. K decided she did not want to latch, so there I sat in the hospital trying to do something I had no idea how to do. "Don't babies know how to drink from the breast themselves?" I asked myself. The answer was a big fat NO!! So there I sat crying - because my sweet angel was crying and I knew she was hungry. I felt so helpless because I did not know what to do. Finally we got it right (YES!!),and then for the next two weeks I realized K only wanted the left breast, but it was so sore, bleeding and very painful. Her tiny mouth could not latch properly which helped the pain but then I had to deal with my breasts being two different sizes. I now had a B cup and D cup and I looked like a freak!! K would not take her bottle no matter how hard I tried. She learnt how to exercising her freedom of choice so early and there was nothing I could do about it.

So there went that plan and honestly in almost a year I got only 4 nights sleep. Oh, did I mention my little busy body STILL does not sleep through the night, waking up every two to three hours and I am exhausted, the house is a mess with all the toys. I have resorted to cooking before I clean the kitchen and instead of eating now, I gobble! I have to keep her entertained constantly and the only thing I do for myself is a waxing appointment, which heaven knows I look forward to.

My biggest desire right now is to go out for a meal with my husband which is impossible because I have no one to help me:( My in laws, God bless them, live in Durban, 5 hours away, and parents stay about 40 mins away. If I have a horrible night ,tough, when k wakes up in the morning, so do I and NO I don't take a nap when she sleeps because I need to cook, eat, tidy up and express! Now where to fit in exercise so that I can lose the weight...I wish I knew...

I feel like I have to do 25 hours of work in a day. My day is so boring, the monotonous routine is driving me insane and the lack of sleep is making my hormonal system go crazy. To top it all off, I have working mothers tell me how easy I have it because I don't have to go to work or answer to a boss. Easy, yea right, they should give it a try. The hardest part of my day is that the only other person around is 71cm (28") tall and has a 3 word vocabulary. When something is not right I have to figure out what is wrong, unlike a computer programme, there is no help wizard or search button.

Don't get me wrong there are upsides like seeing all her milestones for the first time and being there when she is sick, but how about when everything is fine - boring - TRYING to feed her 4 times a day (she hates eating) - changing the 100th diaper for the day (which she will not lie still for) - taking 1 hour to leave the house just to buy bread and milk or lying in bed and waiting for her to wake up.

I love my little girl and I never knew how hard and lonely motherhood was but I learn every day and every time I hold her close my heart is filled with love and my body is renewed with energy because... I was right! No one will ever look after her better and no one could love her more than I do. It is the hardest job on the planet but for her I will rise to the challenge. She has shown me how strong I am, How patient I can be, How creative I have become and what love really feels like.

This Post was Created By S - My new and dear friend.
I dedicate this post to her Daughter K on her first Birthday.

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