Marriage, My Truth

Exactly a month ago, J and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. We have been together a total of 10 years, which essentially is my entire adult life. In those 10 years, we have had amazing times, but have also hit rock bottom a few times.... Actually, the bottom of the darkest pit with seemingly no way out.

We hear all the time that marriage is hard and that one has to be 100% sure that they know what they are getting themselves into when they take on the "ball and chain", as they say. Hard... Seems a little mild in comparison to what we have been through. 

The day you walk down the isle in that white dress, all you have are dreams for your future life together and how you are firstly going to prove all the skeptics wrong and secondly how "we won't go through the same things you went through because we are smarter". Well see, that statement already proves that all the smarts are not in your favour.

I don’t think its fair how marriage is portrayed. Its not that I am trying to discourage couples from taking the leap, but do so armed with the truth.

What is the truth, you may ask. Well its simple. Don’t have any, and I mean not even the tiniest hair of an expectation. Don’t set yourself up for failure by having any expectations. They will dissipate the first time you have an argument about something as simple as toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper. 

It’s a rude awakening. If the going divorce rate has not made you think enough about how couples end up there, then you have not taken the time to consider if you are really ready for what’s about to happen.

Expectation is Selfishness’s subtle cousin. The more expectations you have of your significant other, the more selfish you become, even in the most discreet of ways. It took me a total of six years to learn this, and what a hard lesson it was to learn.

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly Love; give preference to one another in honour” Romans 12: 10

Remember the age old saying ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’; well this is so very true in marriage. When you become completely selfless and take heed of your partners needs first, it becomes so easy for them to do the same. You essentially open the door for them and surprising things are bound to happen.

In all honesty, it took J moving out of our house, declaring divorce and leaving me a single parent that opened my eyes to how selfish I had been and how much expectations I had laid on his shoulders daily. I expected him to be superman all the time and to fill all the gaps that I could not, no matter how impossible they all were. But he is not superman, he is my man, a humble loving and caring human being who I was turning into this ugly person with pressures of all my unmet expectations.

Needless to say, the realization woke me up fast and in no time J was back home and home in time for the Birth of our Aidy. For our 8^th Anniversary this year, He took me on a whirlwind trip away, stood secure next to me as I screamed at the Brian McKnight concert and made me feel more sexy than ever after four kids and many-many body changes.

 We should never take our partners for granted, we know this already, but what we don’t really take heed of is how easy our own ways, mannerisms and expectations can alienate our partners and like many marriages, eventually push them out all together.

Year 8 is a new and fresh beginning for our marriage and our family and with the amazing things that have happened this year thus far, the only expectation I have is that it will get better from here on out, not J, but our life together because I am different, I am wiser and I want to always take care of all his needs, as I should. Not needing anything in return.

Being Married, may be the hardest thing you may EVER do, but it is OH so worth the effort and hard work. There is nothing more rewarding than having had to share my life with this man, and I truly do love him more now and in more ways than I could have ever imagined when I said ‘I Do’. The longer you are in it, the more you appreciate it.

Mwah