An Open Letter to My Son

I was 19 when I found out I was going to be having you. You were both expected but yet a surprise. I had known so many pregnant women who had had babies and moved on their lives, and assumed the same for us. You were inside my body, but not part of me, to me. We embraced the pregnancy and the moods I had, which were seemingly amplified by the raging hormones flowing through my body to create every piece of you. You were there, you existed inside me, but I did not realize who and why you were. I knew you were my baby, but JUST a baby, not a single thought of your soul, your needs or your future much crossed my mind.

I was young, needy and longing. I was still a child bearing a child and my understanding was still so fleeting and unconscious. I felt you move, squirm and Hiccup, you were there, I was there, but I was not present.

At 16, I felt alone and sad and Prayed to the Lord that he would give me someone to love, someone who would love me back without a doubt. That prayer was for a baby, someone of my own. It was Childish and innocent, but real and filled with emotion and pain. He Answered.

On a Sunny Spring Sunday Afternoon, you were taken from my Womb. I was oblivious to all that was happening and what was about to come. Everyone has babies, everyone has Cesarean Sections, and it’s the natural order as we know it now. When I saw you a few hours after your birth, I did not have an overwhelming sense of Joy and emotion, yes; you were my baby, but; just my baby.

I took you home and everyone around me was so happy and excited to see this little chubby curly haired boy, but my joy never came, it never existed, yes; you were my baby; but still; just my baby.

I could not wait to go back to my life after healing; I could not wait to start singing again and feeling like my old self again. But it never happened, instead you cried, were up at 3am every morning and cried some more during the day. It was just you and I, alone, isolated, with only the white noise of the TV to keep us company. I tried to continue Breast Feeding you, but it was proving to be too difficult because you seemed to prefer the formula I was giving you anyway.

We continued we existed every day; I loved you, as you were my child, however, just my child. You were emotional, needy and sensitive. My love was held with a certain amount of tolerance. It was there, in the background, existing, with minimal evidence.

Years passed, you were caught up in our first rocky years of marriage. You had siblings, attended school and sprouted a little every year. You were our child; yet only our child.

Your emotional state eventually started to worry me. Why were you so sad, so unhappy, so needy, feeling so unloved and unwanted? Why did you cry so often and why were you so resistant to any type of affection. We researched and found help, moved you to a remedial school for your speech issues and for a while, everything seemed to be resolved. You were our child, and we made and effort to help you, but yet; you were still Just our child.

Then one morning, after prayer and fasting to figure out my path and my destiny, My eyes were opened.

It had been in front of me for almost nine years. You were not Just my child. You were HIS child. He gave you to me because I longed for you so deeply. But I took His answer to my prayer for granted. He knew I needed you to grow up, to learn to become a woman, a strong willed, passionate woman. I woman I would otherwise never have been.

I watch you sleep, all grown, strong and beautiful, you are my child, my life, my soul is attached to you. You are intelligent, handsome and sensitive. You care for those around you; you love so deeply and are so forgiving. I missed you, I ignored YOU, I took you for granted. But you are still here, you still love me unconditionally, you still value my presence in your life.

You have been through so much, we have put you through all that’s rough, but you present a sense of strength I admire, a sense of grace now that brings me peace.

I have always loved you as a mother should, but now I love you as I should. As the man you are learning to become, as the boy with an innocent soul, as the person who will change the world, even if it’s just a little bit. You taught me to see you, to be present, to just be. I am a mother because you are my son, I am a mother, because you made me one, I am a mother because without evening knowing it, you showed me what Mother means.

Love, without Expectation, you are my Exception.